All the Things I Can No Longer Say
by goldistic
Summary: In case of the unthinkable, Boden makes everyone write letters to their loved ones. Post 5x22.


**A/N:** It's been a while! I apologize for basically disappearing off of the face of the Earth, but I'm back with some inspiration! And I apologize, because it's sad inspiration, but I wanted to write something because it's been so long. Just to let you guys know, the first part of the story is a flashback to mid season four, so Herrmann just got stabbed by Freddy, and Peterson just left after filling in for Boden. Hope you guys enjoy!

* * *

 **December 10th, 2015:**

A soft knock on his door makes Boden turn in his chair swiftly, trying to cover up the fact that yes, maybe he had been slowly dozing off in his chair while looking out the window. Looking through the door though, he saw that it was only Casey, and he knew that with the young lieutenant he didn't need to hide anything. So he waved him in, clearing his throat as he sat up straight.

"Hey Chief," Casey greeted him, taking his usual seat in front of Boden's desk. "Feel good to have the place back?"

"That's an understatement," Boden answered him, shaking his head with a short laugh. "Now we just need Herrmann back and everything will be as it should."

"He'll be alright, he's tough," Casey commented. "I just talked to Will actually and he said his outlook is good. He'll be back in no time."

"No doubt about that," Boden agreed. "Anyway, what did you come in here for Casey?"

"I've been meaning to do this for a long time," Casey admits, pulling out a small envelope. He looked at it, fiddling it between his fingers. "I was going to write this earlier in the year but I would've lost it and I wanted to make sure it ended up in the right hands. And then I looked at the calendar today…"

"Two years since your accident," Boden finished for him, nodding. A lot may have happened the past few months, but his mind was still sharp and he could never forget any day like that.

"Yeah, and I realized that if anything worse happened to me that day, nobody would've heard another word from me. I didn't have any letters written. And just..the idea of that kinda scares me. So," Casey handed over the letter, Boden seeing _Gabby_ written neatly on the front of the envelope.

"Took you long enough," Boden told him lightly, standing up and walking over to his safe. He put in the correct combination and picked up a folder labeled _LT. Matthew Casey,_ sticking the letter neatly inside. "Hopefully that'll never have to come out again."

* * *

 **July 5th, 2017:**

Two months ago, her life was perfect. Okay, so maybe she didn't think so at the time because of the problems with her dad, but she realizes now that on May 5th, her day had been perfect. Her life was perfect. Nothing was wrong. They had their whole lives ahead of them. They planned to start a family. They had been able to wake up next to each other, savor each other's kisses, melt in each other's embrace, and simply be in each other's presence. Everything about her life on May 5th was warm, colorful, exciting, and lovely.

And now, exactly one month after his funeral, her life was cold, black, terrible, and she didn't know why she was still breathing. She hated living. Living, at the moment, meant hurting and being in excruciating pain every second of the day. It meant waking up alone every single morning, only smelling very faint traces of him on his pillow, only being able to stare at his toothbrush when she walked into the bathroom, and living in his old clothes. She hated leaving their room. Their room was bad enough with all of the pictures of them on the wall, but outside of those four walls, she couldn't survive. In the kitchen, his gatorade sat on the counter still half empty. In the fridge, there were still his meals he had planned out for the week. By the door, his shoes sat neatly in a line. In the living room, his jacket hung over the couch, the channel on the TV was still set on ESPN, and the letter he had written to Louie the night before his last shift sat on their coffee table, ready to be mailed. She had meant to give that to their forever son during the funeral, but she had completely forgotten. She would say there was "too much on her mind" as an excuse, but for the last month and a half, there's been nothing but blackness occupying her thoughts.

She's only been able to think about him. And unfortunately, that rarely means thinking about the _good_ memories. Her mind has restricted her access to anything happy, so she's only been replaying that day over and over again. His last words to her, her heart breaking in front of the entire firehouse, barely being able to choke out "I love you" in return. She remembers all too well when the line went dead, when Boden ordered the house to start the hoses, when Severide walked out with Kannell, when Herrmann was able to be freed and dragged Mouch out of the flames, and when her own husband's limp body was discovered by Boden. She had him in her ambulance once again, fighting to keep him alive. She remembers pushing on his chest as hard as she could, begging God to bring him back to her. She remembers being ordered to step back, her emotions running far too high to be able to think properly. She remembers when they got to the hospital, being promised by Connor and Will that they would do everything they could.

She remembers when Will took her down a vacant hallway, tears brimming the surface of his own eyes, just to tell her that her husband was not coming back to her.

Antonio forced her to stay with him for the first two weeks after, up until the funeral where the streets of Chicago were filled with citizens to mourn the loss of their fallen firefighter. Roads had to be closed, forcing some shops to close as well, and despite the amount of pain she knew would never fade, she felt so much pride in how many people her husband effected.

After the funeral Brett offered to stay with her for awhile, but after being suffocated by her brother for two weeks, she needed alone time. Well maybe she didn't _need_ it, but she most definitely wanted it.

"Dawson?," A husky voice calls out, and even under her most dull and flat haze, she knew who the voice belonged to. She turned around in her bed, missing the scent of his pillow instantly. "I apologize for intruding, but I tried knocking and the door was unlocked. I was a bit too worried to just come back later."

She just nodded to him, accepting his apology as she tried to sit up a little. He took that as an invitation to come into the room, sitting at the edge of her bed. "I won't stay long, and I won't ask you how you are," he assured softly. "I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are going through right now. We all lost a friend, a brother, a hero. We all hurt, we hurt a lot more than we will ever admit but we all know that whatever you're going through is a million times worse and for that, I am so sorry and you know that every single person in that firehouse is behind you one hundred percent."

She nodded again, tears sliding down her face at just the extra reminder that yes, he really is just _gone._ Boden, sensing that what he said was enough, pulled the small envelope out of his jacket pocket that he hoped never needed to be touched again. At the sight of the stationary that had her name scribbled neatly on the front, her breath caught in her throat. She knew what that had to be. She had written quite a few of those herself, but she had completely forgotten about the possibility of Matt writing one to her.

"When did he write this?," She asked curiously, positive that that's the first time she's actually spoken in days.

"Exactly two years after his accident in that big apartment fire. At the time of the accident, he didn't have any letters written. You were his first, actually. I just mailed Christie and Violet theirs though and I have Louie's too."

"He wrote one to Louie?," she questioned, more tears running down her face. However, these weren't the dark, lifeless tears she'd been crying for weeks now. Now, she had a little bit of light to her, the idea of reading Matt's words to her was refreshing and she was glad Louie could have the same closure.

"Yes," he nodded, pulling out another small envelope. "I wasn't sure what you wanted me to do with it."

"I can mail it," she offered, noting in her brain that she should also send the other letter to him as well. "He used to write little letters to him every week, I didn't know if he'd actually write one of these too."

"Matt's far too kind to leave anything unanswered," he said simply, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "I'll let myself out now, I don't want to overstay my welcome, I know you're going through the unimaginable right now. You just make sure you get yourself to the firehouse soon, alright Dawson? It's not healthy to go through this alone, so you got to let us help you at some point. We're your family. We're here for you no matter what." She nodded thoughtfully in return, and she heard the front door shut not too long after. She looked at the envelope in her hands, eager to open it and see what he had written her but also trying to hold it off as long as possible.

These really were his last words to her. Everything he wanted her to know was in this letter. After this, there would be nothing. No new traces of him. She would just have memories, pictures, and the scent on his pillow. She didn't want him to be completely over yet, but she also knew that he would want her to read this. She knew she needed to. So, taking a deep breath and sliding her finger under the flap, she prepared herself. She took out the paper that was tucked neatly inside, and before she even unfolded it, she could see his sweet, gentle handwriting.

 _Okay Gabby,_ she told herself. _This is it._

 _Gabriela Dawson,_

 _First of all, if you're reading this, I am sorry. I am sorry to leave you in this world to grieve and mourn. I don't want you to ever hurt, especially if it's because of me, and for that, I'm incredibly sorry and I hope you know I didn't leave by choice._

 _I also want you to know that I wasn't afraid to die. Dying in the line of duty has always been a known consequence for our job. I knew that from the very start, and I still have never been afraid to rush into burning buildings. However, I'm sorry that you reading this letter is where that has gotten me._

 _Gabby, I'm writing this letter because it's all the things I can no longer say. It's everything you need to know, everything I want you to know in case you ever doubted it._

 _The love I have for you is insane. I know a part of me has always been in love with you, but I'm sorry I took so long to catch up. You were always smarter than me, after all. Thank you for being patient with me, and giving me more chances than I deserve. Even before I acted on my feelings for you, you were my best friend and I knew that no matter what was going on with either of our lives, we were always there for each other. You gave me hope in the darkest of times, peace in the most chaotic of times, and even in good times, you enhanced them still. You have always, and always will be, my light._

 _If we have not been able to start a family by the time you're reading this, I'm sorry. I know that's what you wanted forever, but I do know that just the two of us have enough love for each other to make up for it. We are a family already. At least, you are mine._

 _You know better than anyone that my life before firefighting really wasn't much of a life. I didn't know my meaning, my purpose, my reason for living. When I found firefighting however, my life changed. I had a meaning, a purpose, a reason. But when I found you? When I met you for the first time? I was too stubborn to admit it at the time, but I also became excited for my future. You lit something inside of me, and it made me want to be the best I could possibly be. (I'm still learning, as you can tell from all the mistakes I've made.) But honestly Gabriela, you are the reason I became a Lieutenant._

 _As I wrote above, we are a family. But I also want to thank you for giving me a brother in Antonio, a niece and nephew in Eva and Diego, and countless others. (You have a huge family, and I have a limited amount of space left.)_

 _I never want to stop writing. If this is the last thing you will ever have of me, then I wish I could go forever. You didn't deserve this, and I'm sorry. But Gabby I love you so much more than you will ever know, and my love will live on forever. You will forever be loved by me, all of me, and my only wish is that when you move on, you find somebody that loves you just as much, because you deserve nothing less. I love you, Gabriela Dawson. Thank you for everything. You have made my life whole. Keep on doing you, stand up for yourself, never settle, love as hard as you can, and always keep me in your heart. I love you forever and always._

 _Love,_

 _Matthew_

She was surprised she could even read the last paragraph, the tears in her eyes making everything so blurry. But the letter was positive, it was so _him_ that it actually made her more happy than it made her depressed. Matt, along with his letter, would always be in her heart. There was never a way he could possibly be anywhere else.

He would live on forever through his wife.


End file.
